The Panic Attack That Broke The Camel's Back

Even after deciding to take many, many steps away from photographer after the birth of my 4th, I still couldn’t quite let it go.

Even with zero marketing and announcing I was taking a sabbatical, every time an inquiry would come in - the debate would begin. I spent years honing my craft, building a client experience, becoming an expert in my field…how could I just turn my back on all that hard work and effort? All that knowledge?

And what about the moms who needed me? All those women who couldn’t see what an incredible job they were doing raising these children? How could I just leave them to figure it out on their own?

What about them?

But then, one Sunday in July, I panicked. I tried to snap a couple images for a friend and everything came tumbling down. I couldn’t get what I saw in my head to translate to the camera. I couldn’t get the colors to match what I wanted in post. And then the fear of the deadline, of letting someone down, of disappointing a fellow hard-working mama…it all came to rest right on my chest.

I couldn’t breath. Charlie horses squeezed my chest cavity. I couldn’t even cry everything was so ragged and shaky. I pulled out my phone and started googling ‘how to stop a panic attack’ and ended up letting a gif guide me through some deep breathing.

“This is where my life is? This is where I am?”, I thought. My whole brand is devoted to helping moms see the magic inside of themselves and here I was googling for help. No magic in sight. And I found myself wishing for someone to show me all the good I was doing.

I realized I needed me.

As much as I would love to be able to write this all up in a pretty bow and hand you a perfect “And therefore”, I don’t have that. I haven’t figured it out. But what did become painfully obvious was that I needed to be brave enough to take a bow and walk off stage.

Photography started as a spark of interest, grew into a hobby, and then burst into a business. The last thing I want is for this beautiful flame to completely burn out. So to protect this part of myself, I need to be willing to take the coals out of the fire for a bit. I need to bring them back in.